Barnacle Bill the Sailor : Everyone is gawking when the sailor comes a knocking.
Barnacle Bill the Sailor is a raunchy sea shanty that tells the story of a horny sailor and his lover.
Listen, my love, because I’m only saying this once—preferably while you’re too traumatized to interrupt. Remember those drunken sea shanties you used to giggle at in taverns? The ones about the randy sailor with a “mighty anchor” and a knack for “exploring hidden coves”? Well, pour yourself something strong, darling. That was your father.
Let’s skip the metaphors: Barnacle Bill didn’t just sail the seven seas—he seduced them, left them breathless, and occasionally got banned from them. I’d say he had a girl in every port, but the truth is, he had several. And that was just on Wednesdays. His self-assured brazen approach deflowered more maidens than one can count. Many of whom were the town’s unwed old maids. But when you have a reputation as a womanizer, any willing woman will do, and he knew who to go after.
Now, before you ask—yes, you were absolutely conceived to the sound of off-key sailors harmonizing that damned song. No, I don’t regret it (the rum was excellent). And no, you cannot use “But my dad’s Barnacle Bill!” as an excuse for your own tomfoolery. …I’ve already tried.
But here’s what the songs don’t tell you: The bastard could navigate a hurricane blindfolded, stitch up a wound with fishing line, and recite Shakespeare while being ousted from a brothel. He once sailed through a typhoon, just to bring me oranges because I’d mentioned craving them. Then immediately left for two years, yep, that’s Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
So the next time some wretch bellows “Who’s that knocking at my door?”, you look them dead in the eye and say: “My father. And he’s still not back with the milk.”
—Mum
P.S. If you ever have a sibling show up claiming to be “Bill’s kid,” lie and say we’re Mormons. It’s easier.
Want the real NSFW stories? Buy me a rum first. ⚓
